Martha Stewart and My Inadequacy

Recently, I received several complimentary magazine subscriptions, including one for Martha Stewart Living. I looked forward to receiving my subscription, because I like Martha.

I can’t relate to her so much, but I do like her.

The July issue just came in the mail last weekend, then, and I started reading the article “Grilling Up a Summer-Party Menu” for the purpose of giving LCB some tips.

In it, there’s this picture of several children holding marshmallows on the ends of willow branches over a large iron cauldron. Now really, I could make this a post about the iron cauldron, something in the vein of, “Wow, I’d really to try that with my iron cauldron, what about you?” complete with comma splice for added effect.

Instead, I’m going here today:

(Deep breath, followed by a brief, courage-summoning silence.)

My kids don’t have clothes to meet Martha Stewart.

Somehow, while it’s not quite up to par with meeting the Queen, it just seems…well, inappropriate to meet Martha Stewart wearing Old Navy apparel, for instance.

 

And I can’t quite put my finger on the reason why, but wearing church clothes might seem like overkill mixed with desperation.

I’d just feel so bourgeois (never mind that I am), so inept by showing up for a Martha Stewart meeting period, let alone one where pictures are being taken for possible publication, wearing what we normally wear.

Then, I started imagining what I would do if Martha’s people called and said she wanted to meet my children tomorrow.

Confession time: I do this messed-up stuff all the time, picking a “When pigs fly” scenario and developing an action plan for handling it. Seriously, I do.

So, I tried to distract myself by paging farther ahead in the magazine, and what do you know, I came to an article entitled “24 Hours in Martha’s Skin.”

Again, there are so many, many, many places I could go with that one.

But I’ll stick with what’s in the article.

In it, they begin by outlining Martha’s morning skin routine.

The woman has 12 products that are a part of her morning skincare routine.

Twelve.

And, true to form, they’re organized into 5 categories. In fairness to Martha, I should point out the fact that she doesn’t use all 12 products in one morning.

But still.

I’m not sure if I know of  twelve distinct skincare products meant for morning use.

If I have a magazine someday, possibly titled Island Mom Living, boy are my writers going to have to work when it comes to things like outlining my morning skin routine.

So, again in “When pigs fly” mode, I thought about what they’d be able to write.

“Step 1: Christine washes her skin with a bar of Original Formula Neutrogena soap she sources from a Walmart or Target near her island.”

“Step 2: Christine moisturizes her skin with Equate Beauty Lotion for Sensitive Skin with SPF 15, also sourced from coastal area Walmarts.”

“Step 3: Oh, wait, there isn’t one. So instead, let’s talk about the funny story about when she was at the store buying her Neutrogena bar and she got her foot stuck in the display and pulled the entire monstrosity down on herself in her attempt to dislodge her foot.”

I’m guessing my readership will not be the same as Martha’s.